I wonder if this urge in me to get married is founded on some realistic reasons. Of course it's too soon, but I can't help but feel that I am ready to be more than someone's girlfriend.

But doubt is making me wonder...maybe its fear. That I will lose this wonderful guy I have like I lost the last one. That no one will ever love me enough to put it down on paper. Or that I will end up alone. I can't help but be jealous of women when I see that they are married with cute little families. I'm so jealous of having to stay in bed with broken bones when all I want is to go out and further my life.

It's like I'm stuck in the mud but the wheels are still spinning...

...I'm single now. And never felt so miserable. It's like he took an ice pick to the pieces of my broken heart and shattered them more.

I wish I had friends at school. Maybe I could go out and find...life.

Why can't love just be easy...

7/15/09

Anxiety attack #27 approaches and all stare as I begin to tremble and cry. Stripped of my dignity, I lie alone and wonder when/how this will begin to help. My heart aches for normalcy and the pills my stomach digest only for a brief escape from the anxious beating of my heart. I came here for help, hoping to taste the wine of sanity and relaxation. But now I am left with more self doubt and insecurity that I had walking through the door. I look at these people and see them going to group therapies but yet remain locked, prisoners of their own minds. Maybe having panic attacks isn't such a mental disorder. Maybe I am right and should be of the world and what it has to offer. Maybe the boogie man does exist, not in the closet, but in the chambers of my mind and constantly searches for irrational things to fear.I The few things I have have to hold onto mean the most to me. I don't mind the people that look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. My flaw is that I still love in a world that I think love and trust should prevail over disgust and annoyance. Maybe I hope that I can look though the windows of this place. I still live on a word LOVE.The few things I have to that mean hew most  always appear  and avoid the drama I have. That's faithfulness, Maybe I me; Maybe I still live in a where I thought love prevails all. I still think that love and trust should prevail disgust and ignorance. .Maybe I just hope that I can look through the barred windows of this place and see something more than boundaries and limitations. I want to grow, learn, survive. I want the love of my life to be able to hold me and feel the strength of my love I have for him regardless of any issues we have had in the past. I want my parents to trust me and love me for who I am. I want the world to stop spinning so we can all take a minute and realize what is most important. Life is a series of rooms, and it is the people in those rooms that mean the most. Why has the world created a life that is so full of pain? I lay awake at night and cry; cry because I miss people, cry for the insanity of the world, and cry for the people that are stuck in this place for life. I wish I could stay up with writing more often but they don't even trust me here with a pen. I feel like I am in a pit and everyone is taking their turn in pouring their water of pain and disappointment on me. "Pay bills"=add water. "Go to work at a job you hate"=add water. "What's wrong with you?"=add water. "Why can't you do anything right?"=add water. "You are just a fuck up."=add water. And now I am struggling to keep my head above the water of my anxiety. Maybe that is the root of it. I'm panicing because I'm struggling to breathe and be who everyone wants me to be. What about what I want? I want my fairy tale. A house with a dog, Gabe grilling in the backyard while the kids play in the pool. But for some reason, I self destruct that path. I want it so bad but all I can seem to do is the same thing I have done to people for years. Sabotage everything, push them away, don't say what I mean, don't mean what I say. I have lost the ability to please the world and instead I filled it with disgust and embarrassment. I'm terrified my life will end up like a roller-coaster. Up, down, up, down...but once the ride ends, everyone feels disappointment and disbelief they waited that long for a ride that looked better than it was. Upset it wasn't exciting. Remorseful they left the ride hoping for something more. I've never seen people filled with such anger before since I have been here. Maybe the truly insane ones really get how chaotic life can be and have found ways to deal with it in their own minds to keep themselves at peace. What scares me is they are angry, explosive, insane, and make the best of every moment. My mom recommended me to pick up writing in a journal again. Maybe I should by some sort of spiral and jot down different thoughts that enter my head. Maybe then my therapist can get a true understanding of where I am in life. I am so full of emotional confusion I don't know where to begin. I really want to just take the medication and go home. The group work isn't helping, and I haven't had a one-on-one time with a counselor. I am growing tired of all the panic attacks but this world is foreign and uncomfortable. Crazy people yell at night at demons that don't exist. For this I must take yet another pill so I can sleep through it. My dreams have become more disturbing and more visual. I wake up reaching for something I'll never have and covered in sweat. The constant noise of ambulances makes me often wonder who would even show at my bedside if I was in the back of one. I think its quite disgusting that the human race will drop all grudges and arguments to be by someone's deathbed. Such a shame that we have to lose something to realize its importance to us. Some of these people have friends and family that aren't even calling or visiting. I have asked my parents not to come because I don't want them to see me in such a disgusting, miserable state. This place doesn't even trust me with ink pens, let alone a visit from my family who might be wearing shoe laces. I met a guy in group today who seemed completely normal to me. It makes you ponder how many people in the world there are walking the streets and worse off than I am. Seems like a far cry for me to be allowed to go home but I'm not sure I can make it much longer. I have no one to associate with and most here with me make me more nervous that they will snap at any minute. I can hit the "nurse" button but who knows how long it will take for them to arrive. Stepping over spots of urine repulses me as well as the people who spend their days in bed and only come out for food and medicine. This must be an improvement for some. Cardboard beds with drugs has to be a step up from where they came from. I am thinking of requesting another medication. The one I am on now only (colonapin) only seems to work for 30 minutes then fades away. I want to leave this hell. People are having side effects to the drugs and the nurses just don't seem to care. I'm no longer a danger to myself or anyone else so I am pretty sure I can leave when I want. The only reason I am staying is to become a better person and fix what is going on between Gabe and me. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me...and then wonders why I want to hurt myself to feel a different kind of pain. 4 days sober and I haven't even thought about beer. I miss the relaxation it brings me but thats somewhat because I'm with Gabe when I am drinking. Someone save me. I'm out of options. At night, I lie in bed and my mind races over Gabe and if he is ok. I'm worried he will look at me differently now that I have been here. But I have to get better before Gabe and I can get better. All I want in life is to be his wife. All I want is to hold him ever night. I honestly do not believe that I have a future without him. I feel he is my soulmate. I just wish he could get his bipolar issues fixed and we could both have the life we have dreamed of. Sitting in a room, listening to a man scream at the top of his lungs as a nurse pushes him into his coffin and pricks him with a needle full of liquid sedation.

7/15/2009
Just returned from yet another group session and I really feel it is starting to help. The issue was on the walls we have used to protect us. A lady came in and started pointing at me and several other people in the group and claimed we were all drug addicts. Of course, they removed her and sedated her. Maybe these experiences might be helpful to my sanity. So maybe, I can realize I am not really all that bad off. I might bee a little "nutzo". Maybe I am not good enough for anyone to love. Maybe I'm just one of the ones born to a planet doomed for misery. Maybe I was expecting too much of myself and what little I have to offer still is not good enough. It is unbelievable that there is millions of nurses here but no doctors and no therapists. They just expect you to sit in your room and stare at your white jail cell. How could this make anyone sane? I'm trying to attempt to fake happiness so I can just take my pills every two hours (they have me on valium now...seems to be working better) so I can go home as soon as I can. But secretly, my heart is breaking, my chest is trembling, and I have never been this depressed before. I remember driving past prisons, wondering what went through their heads as they saw me freely drive by and be capable of making my own decisions. But now I see it from the inside out.

And I want to fix it...